Post by KimberlyThanks for the welcome, Queenie...
I'm 48 years old and have returned home to live with my parents. Mom
is 70, Pop is 86. He has Alzheimer's. I am also a dialysis patient
doing treatments at home. Mom is stressed about my father's paranoia
and his argumentative behavior at times.
I know she worries about me as well. Mom needs relief. Are their any
social service resources for her as his caregiver? For him as an AA
patient? For me to understand the disease and the caregiving role?
Thanks in advance for your help.
- Kim
Kim,
I'm sorry to hear about your family situation.
You might want to check out the Alzheimer's Association web page on
Caring for Alzheimer's. See:
http://www.alz.org/living_with_alzheimers_caring_for_alzheimers.asp
Sometimes there are Alzheimer's daycare centers that can be useful. It
is possible that there's even one run by a local public health or senior
citizens agency that doesn't cost anything. Call your local social
services department, aging department or public health department. If
the person you call doesn't know anything, ask if there's anyone else
there who might have experience with this. Be persistent. Having once
been a librarian in a public library I can suggest that you can even
call the library. They may be able to put you in touch with the right
people.
My Dad used to take my Mom to an adult daycare center. At first she
didn't want to go, but the person running the center was very
experienced. She told my Mom that it was clear that she didn't really
need to be there, but there were so many people there that did need
help. She asked my Mom if she would stay to volunteer and help out. My
Mom did stay and spent many afternoons there. My Dad could drop her off
and pick her up again. The director spoke to her as if she were a
colleague. I believe that my Mom did her best to help others while she
was there, even though she couldn't really do much, and that made her
feel good and enjoy herself. Eventually my Mom's disease progressed to
the point where daycare was no longer practical, but it did help for a
considerable period of time.
Evelyn's suggestion of having your Mom talk to your Dad's doctor about
the problem seems to me to be a good one. There may be drugs that can
help. The key thing is to find a doctor who knows what he's doing and
is flexible. Just turning your Dad into a zoned out sleepyhead seems
like an unattractive option, but there may be some anti-psychotic drugs
that won't do that but will reduce his paranoia and irrational behavior.
Some other participants in this group may have suggestions for specific
drugs to discuss with the doctor.
If the doctor does prescribe something, it's important to watch your Dad
very closely. If, after taking the drugs, he appears sick, angry,
unable to walk as well, or has any other undesirable changes, stop
giving him the drug or reduce the dose. I personally don't trust most
doctors to fully understand the effects and side effects of the drugs
they prescribe. Time and again I've heard of doctors prescribing drugs,
the patients get sick, and the doctor says, "Oh that can't be a side
effect of the drug, it must be something else." But it's not something
else.
I know that if you're on dialysis, you have physical limitations,
however I think the best thing that you can do is to help your Mom in
any way you can. Do housework, do shopping, keep your Dad occupied,
drive him to daycare or wherever he can go, be as friendly and engaging
to both of your parents as you can be. Make your Mom feel, and your Dad
too if it's possible, that they are really happy to have you living with
them and would be very sorry if you left. This will help your parents
more than anything else, and I believe that you too can derive a lot of
satisfaction from it.
Plan some activities that you all can enjoy. I remember my Mom and Dad
visiting and we got a Steve Martin comedy from the video store and all
watched it together. We made popcorn. My Mom couldn't really even
follow the story, but our laughter was infectious and she laughed too
and had a great time. If there's any activity that both your Mom and
Dad can enjoy, whether it be watching a movie or a nightly TV show,
listening to music, reading aloud, playing a simple card game or board
game, popping pop corn, cooking outside, looking at photos, making home
videos, anything at all, try to make it a regular activity. Anything
that can lighten or brighten the day, even if it's only a half hour a
day, can be a relief to all of you.
All three of you have landed in a tough situation. It looks like it's
not going to get better, at least not for a while. So do your best to
deal with it, to enjoy life in spite of the problems, and to not allow
yourselves to become bitter or depressed. Even when life is tough there
can be times that make it all worthwhile.
Best of luck to you and your family.
Alan