What's Up With This List?

[Bob]

I'm looking for a list of people who are involved in Alzheimer's
research, care, medicine, etc., or who spend time with people who have
the disease. I'm not sure I'm at the right place or if this list is
even active. Any input would be appreciated.

Bob
www.alzheimersmemoir.com

[Justin Hale]

Post by Bob
I'm looking for a list of people who are involved in Alzheimer's
research, care, medicine, etc., or who spend time with people who have
the disease. I'm not sure I'm at the right place or if this list is
even active. Any input would be appreciated.
Bob
www.alzheimersmemoir.com

The list is active ... barely, and I'm as frustrated as you are. One could
almost believe no one suffered from Alzheimer's Disease any more.

Ken Bland

[Evelyn]

Post by Bob
I'm looking for a list of people who are involved in Alzheimer's
research, care, medicine, etc., or who spend time with people who have
the disease. I'm not sure I'm at the right place or if this list is
even active. Any input would be appreciated.
Bob
www.alzheimersmemoir.com

There used to be a lot of people who posted here, and some still do
show up and read and post.... myself among them. Unfortunately some
trolls showed up and posted a lot of annoying nonsense. People who
are caring for loved ones with this illness are not really up for
hearing a lot of garbage where they go for support. The list still
exists and some of us still show up here though. Anything you post
will be addressed. Try us.

Evelyn

[Bohgosity BumaskiL]

Post by Bob
I'm looking for a list of people who are involved in Alzheimer's
research, care, medicine, etc., or who spend time with people who have
the disease. I'm not sure I'm at the right place or if this list is
even active. Any input would be appreciated.
Bob
www.alzheimersmemoir.com

The whole of USENET suffers from spam from groups.google.com if not
gmail.com, neither of which are policed. That is the first place
many people discover USENET, these days, and I imagine that once
people see all that spam..."to hell with the whole network", without
realizing that some servers are much cleaner, and some of them even
allow you to post with a mangled address (mine does not). Back when
I got wired, USENET was the second or third option on my menu after
e-mail, and the problem wuz that I had to learn to bitch about spam
to keep my e-mail address usable.

So, not much new blood iz on this list, and a lot of the old blood
got frustrated with it. What to do about the owners of what iz also
the most comprehensive archive I know:? Az a kick in the ass, the
groups that are google-only are usually moderated with a
[posting-members-only]. That can be done on USENET. Wikipedia's
lists are moderated the same way.

[Lynn Lynn]

I, too, used to be actively involved with this group until, as Evelyn
posted, there were so many trolls with nonsense posts intruding.


I drop in often, as Evelyn does, to see if anyone has any questions or
just needs a friendly place to hide from the every day pressures of
caring for someone with Alzheimer's.

I took care of my Mother who had dementia for several years.

Post away....we are glad to help whenever we can.

Lynn

[notbob]

Post by Lynn Lynn
I, too, used to be actively involved with this group until, as Evelyn
posted, there were so many trolls with nonsense posts intruding.
I drop in often, as Evelyn does, to see if anyone has any questions or
just needs a friendly place to hide from the every day pressures of
caring for someone with Alzheimer's.
I took care of my Mother who had dementia for several years.
Post away....we are glad to help whenever we can.
Lynn

I'm new here, but not new to my mom's ever worsening dementia. I've
lived with her for four yrs, now, and it's getting really bad, each
new crisis more severe than the last. It's doubly worse as she's a
very strong willed woman and a total control freak. Worse, I'm number
1 son and jes as bullheaded. Everything is a confrontation. There is
no helping her. I've contacted Alzheimers.org several times, but they
really can't do anything except offer sympathy.

It's quickly approaching a decision on whether or not to put her in a
home, even though it's not what I want to do. I can no longer afford
to pay her mounting bills as I'm on a limited income, yet her money
continues to accrue untouched. What I need is some advice on getting
either guardianship, conservatorship, power of attorney, or all of the
above. I'm vague on the distinctions and could use some advice before
I talk to an attorney. Any advice is appreciated. I'm in CO.

nb

[Lynn Lynn]

First, let me say I sympathize with you deeply. Caring for someone with
dementia is the hardest thing I have ever done.


You definitely need to get Power of Attorney as soon as possible. I
hope that your mother will agree to doing so. It is very important to
have all legal matters taken care of if she is still basically in her
right mind. Dementia gets progressively worse.

I found out the hard way that you cannot fight or argue against what
they say. You just have to go along with whatever they see or say. You
have to go into THEIR world.

A very good book that was actually recommended to me by the group that
was here is "36 Hour Day". (It is not expensive and also comes in
paperback.) It will be very helpful to you. One of the comments made in
the book is that their minds are like a loose light bulb that flickers
on and off. I found that to be so true.

Do you have any help that comes in to assist you? I tried to do it all
myself and then did get some assistance with bathing.

Mom didn't know who I was and that was difficult for me because we were
always so close.

First and foremost, get your legal matters taken care of. Go into her
world and don't try to bring her back into yours. It will be much
easier.

Please ask any questions on particular situations and I will try to
help. I am sure Evelyn will check back too now that we know you are
here!

Keep us posted!

Lynn

[Evelyn]

Post by Lynn Lynn
First, let me say I sympathize with you deeply. Caring for someone with
dementia is the hardest thing I have ever done.
You definitely need to get Power of Attorney as soon as possible. I
hope that your mother will agree to doing so. It is very important to
have all legal matters taken care of if she is still basically in her
right mind. Dementia gets progressively worse.
I found out the hard way that you cannot fight or argue against what
they say. You just have to go along with whatever they see or say. You
have to go into THEIR world.
A very good book that was actually recommended to me by the group that
was here is "36 Hour Day". (It is not expensive and also comes in
paperback.) It will be very helpful to you. One of the comments made in
the book is that their minds are like a loose light bulb that flickers
on and off. I found that to be so true.
Do you have any help that comes in to assist you? I tried to do it all
myself and then did get some assistance with bathing.
Mom didn't know who I was and that was difficult for me because we were
always so close.
First and foremost, get your legal matters taken care of. Go into her
world and don't try to bring her back into yours. It will be much
easier.
Please ask any questions on particular situations and I will try to
help. I am sure Evelyn will check back too now that we know you are
here!
Keep us posted!
Lynn

Lynn has given you good advice above and I endose all she said.

I know it is very hard to give in to your mom's reality, but
unfortunately having alzheimers sort of closes their minds to any
thing from outside. No matter how you try you end up having to go
their way anyway.

If there is a way to just let it go, it's easier than fighting. I
realize that there are some things you really need to win, so pick
your battles carefully, and save the hassle for the important ones.

The Alzheimer associatin in my area had a support group. It was a
lifesaver. Even though you think it sounds corny to go and sit and
talk with other caregivers, it isn't at all. It is a big relief to be
able to say what you need and to be understood by other people going
through the same thing you are.

There was also an Adult daycare in my area. That was also a lifesaver
for me. Without them I would've gone totally nuts.

Write here anytime. Those of us who have been through it, do honestly
understand.

Best,
Evelyn

[notbob]

Post by Evelyn
Write here anytime. Those of us who have been through it, do honestly
understand.

Thank you.

I finally got some useful advice, today. After talking to a couple
dozen ppl at a dozen agencies, I was told I could petition the court
for a 60 day emergency gaurdianship. Also, I finally reached a
sympathetic ear at my mom's doctor's office and asked if the
doctor would willing to write a prescription for home health care
until I can get the guard/conserv issue started. I hope to receive a
positive outcome, tomorrow.

I had two sheriff deputies pay a late afternoon visit to see if the
situation was out of control, they being sent by county protective
services. I was long acquainted with one of them, he having talked to
me 4 yrs ago before I move to CO to care for my mom. They left,
satisfied the situation here, although grim, is not detrimental to my
mom. So far. Hopefully tomorrow will see some improvemnent. If I
can hold out till Tue, all will be better.

nb

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob

Post by Evelyn
Write here anytime. Those of us who have been through it, do honestly
understand.

Thank you.
I finally got some useful advice, today. After talking to a couple
dozen ppl at a dozen agencies, I was told I could petition the court
for a 60 day emergency gaurdianship. Also, I finally reached a
sympathetic ear at my mom's doctor's office and asked if the
doctor would willing to write a prescription for home health care
until I can get the guard/conserv issue started. I hope to receive a
positive outcome, tomorrow.
I had two sheriff deputies pay a late afternoon visit to see if the
situation was out of control, they being sent by county protective
services. I was long acquainted with one of them, he having talked to
me 4 yrs ago before I move to CO to care for my mom. They left,
satisfied the situation here, although grim, is not detrimental to my
mom. So far. Hopefully tomorrow will see some improvemnent. If I
can hold out till Tue, all will be better.
nb

My father will be 99 yrs old in a couple of weeks. He has developed
vascular dementia, which is quite different from alzheimers disease,
although it does share some of the same symptoms.

In the late '90's my mother in law evidenced symptoms of alzheimers,
and my husband and I ultimately ended up taking care of her untill
2004. We finally had to put her into a nursing home when she
couldn't walk anymore, as she kept falling down every time she stood
up. It was only a couple of months after she was admitted, when she
was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She only lived just one year
after going into the nursing home.

When she first became ill, she was cooperative and signed all the
necessary paperwork so we could take care of her.

On the other hand, my father has no legal POA in place and will not do
so, no matter how limited his abilities have become. He has been a
violent, angry and stubborn man all his life, somewhat paranoid and
extremely difficult. All his children have PTSD from his violent
parenting, and we are all still somewhat afraid of him deep down.

He has a lady friend living there who is taking care of him, and she
is 92 yrs old herself.

My siblings and I don't want to disturb the status quo or do anything
just yet, until we really have to. But we have consulted with a
lawyer about getting conservatorship. That Lawyer wants ten thousand
dollars to do this. We quite naturally, are reluctant to spend that
kind of money unless it is really urgent.

My fathers doctor has been very helpful so far. But I can see that
things may get difficult sometime soon, especially if his present
caregiver decides to leave, as she has repeatedly threatened to do.

I thought it was hard taking care of my mother in law, but taking care
of my father is going to be even worse. None of us are emotionally
equipped to deal with it. He will have to go into a facility right
away if his present caregiver decides to leave.

He says he is unable to walk without a walker, but that is not true,
as we all have seen him walk without it. He pretends to be more ill
than he is, but when he fell once, his caregiver called 911 only to
see him pull himself together, answer all questions rationally, and
refuse to go with the ambulance.

So we wait. Unfortunately it is all we can do. Fortunately he has
this woman caring for him, but that is far from an ideal situation for
many reasons.

Evelyn

[notbob]

Post by Evelyn
was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She only lived just one year
after going into the nursing home.

I have no doubt it would destroy my mom's will to live.

Post by Evelyn
On the other hand, my father has no legal POA in place and will not do
so, no matter how limited his abilities have become. He has been a
violent, angry and stubborn man all his life, somewhat paranoid and
extremely difficult.

I can soooo relate. My mom isn't violent, but extremely strong-willed
and stubborn.

Post by Evelyn
My siblings and I don't want to disturb the status quo or do anything
just yet, until we really have to.

This is a HUGE mistake! I've been doing much the same thing, not
wanting take the necessary steps, not wanting to "own" my mom. I'm
now seeing the folly of my thinking.

Post by Evelyn
But we have consulted with a
lawyer about getting conservatorship. That Lawyer wants ten thousand
dollars to do this. We quite naturally, are reluctant to spend that
kind of money unless it is really urgent.

I also consulted an attorney several years ago and was put off track
by the some of the misleading advice I was given. If your dad has
assets, as my mom does, the attorney will bill his estate. Also, you
may be able to do a lot of this yourself. I only yesterday learned I
can petition the court for guardian/consvator-ship myself with no need
for an attorney!! Call your county COURT clerk for advice. Make sure
it's the COURT clerk and not just the county clerk, which is
different. I live in CO. Your state may be different.

It's astonishing how much so many helpful people DO NOT know. I've
talked to at least 2 dozen people in the last 2 days and all but 3 of
them have been essentially useless. One, while helpful, sicced the
cops on me. No problem. They meant well and it turned out OK.

Post by Evelyn
My fathers doctor has been very helpful so far. But I can see that
things may get difficult sometime soon, especially if his present
caregiver decides to leave, as she has repeatedly threatened to do.

That's why you need to start taking immediate steps to get
guard/conserv (G-C) status of your father. I once thought the state
would take my mom whether I wanted them to or not. NO!! Even if I WANT
my mom in a home, I have to do it, even though the state/fed will make
up any financial shortfall. I still have to initiate it. Basically,
the state will let you rot in the nest you make for yourself. At
least here in CO.

Post by Evelyn
I thought it was hard taking care of my mother in law, but taking care
of my father is going to be even worse. None of us are emotionally
equipped to deal with it. He will have to go into a facility right
away if his present caregiver decides to leave.

Hence, my advice, based on what I've learned in the last couple days.

Post by Evelyn
He says he is unable to walk without a walker, but that is not true,
as we all have seen him walk without it. He pretends to be more ill
than he is, but when he fell once, his caregiver called 911 only to
see him pull himself together, answer all questions rationally, and
refuse to go with the ambulance.

Typical, in my experience. My mom can play strangers like a fiddle,
they all thinking she the sweetest person on Earth. The reality is,
she can be a mean, viciously hurtful person to get her way. Not at
all the mother I've admired all my life. Quite a shock!

Post by Evelyn
So we wait. Unfortunately it is all we can do.

Wrong. Don't wait. Start being proactive. Get the pertinent info to
get G-C of your dad. You may be able to DIY in your state. I'll give
you more info as I gain more. My plan of letting my mom "do her own
thing" till really necessary has returned to bite me in the ass. She
was OK two days ago, now "really necessary" has turned into almost too
late.


I'm glad I opened up and finally posted, here. Here we are, you
consoling me and me advising you. Whodda thunk it. I'm glad we
hooked up and I hope I can help you as much as you've helped me. Just
having someone to talk to is a godsend. Thank you.

notbob

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob

Post by Evelyn
was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She only lived just one year
after going into the nursing home.

I have no doubt it would destroy my mom's will to live.

Believe it or not, my mother in law got along fine in the nursing home
after only a week or so she thought she had nearly always been there.
If there is one good thing to be said of dying from Alzheimers
disease, it is the fact that the forgetfulness is the problem, but it
can also be a blessing in some small way. She adapted well. We
would arrive at unexpected times and watch her when she couldn't see
us. She was chatting and smiling with the aides, or sleeping in her
room.

She did, however keep asking to go home. In fact the patients in the
nursing home all ask that all the time. I knew she no longer had a
home (other than at our house) and she was completely and utterly
incapable of managing any part of her life anymore. I told her that
if she got well and the doctor said she was well enough to come home,
we'd bring her home.

She would then say "Am I going to get well?" I would reply that nobody
knew, so she should do her best to work with the doctors there. Mind
you that these "conversations" were forgotten the instant they were
spoken.

I knew she was not a bad person when she was in her right mind, and if
she knew how hard it was on us to care for her, she would have been
mortified. She was always an independent person.

Sitting in front of the TV in my house was NOT preferable to being in
the nursing home with a schedule, various amusements and crafts, etc.
They had regular entertainments for the people there, although by the
time she got into the nursing home she was pretty much past being able
to appreciate much.

To be totally honest with you, not only did it NOT break her spirit,
or destroy her will to live, but she actually took MORE interest in
life there. My regret in retrospect is that I didn't put her there
SOONER! It would have been better for her and better for us. We
were burnt out beyond all imagination at that point. We waited TOO
long!

Best,
Evelyn

[Lynn Lynn]

Evelyn posted -



"She did, however keep asking to go home. In fact the patients in the
nursing home all ask that all the time."


Mom constantly asked to go home when I moved her in with me. At first,
I would tell her my place was her new home. (We lived very close to
each other and could see her apartment building across the lake from my
townhome - yet - she didn't recognize the apartment building.) Finally,
I realized I just needed to tell her "maybe we will go home tomorrow".
That satisfied her because she soon forgot what she even asked.

The next day we started all over again. It was much easier to just say
"tomorrow" each and every day than try to explain why she was with me.

Lynn

[notbob]

Post by Lynn Lynn
Mom constantly asked to go home when I moved her in with me. At first,
I would tell her my place was her new home. (We lived very close to
each other and could see her apartment building across the lake from my
townhome - yet - she didn't recognize the apartment building.) Finally,
I realized I just needed to tell her "maybe we will go home tomorrow".
That satisfied her because she soon forgot what she even asked.
The next day we started all over again. It was much easier to just say
"tomorrow" each and every day than try to explain why she was with me.

Yep. I get the same thing from my mom. Every day she asks how/when
I'm moving back to CA, where I moved here to CO from to take care of
her. I no longer even bother to respond, it being like that no-win
question, "have you stopped beating your wife?" and always foments an
argument. I'm so tired of arguing I now mostly remain mute to most of
her instigations.


nb

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob

Post by Lynn Lynn
Mom constantly asked to go home when I moved her in with me. At first,
I would tell her my place was her new home. (We lived very close to
each other and could see her apartment building across the lake from my
townhome - yet - she didn't recognize the apartment building.) Finally,
I realized I just needed to tell her "maybe we will go home tomorrow".
That satisfied her because she soon forgot what she even asked.
The next day we started all over again. It was much easier to just say
"tomorrow" each and every day than try to explain why she was with me.

Yep. I get the same thing from my mom. Every day she asks how/when
I'm moving back to CA, where I moved here to CO from to take care of
her. I no longer even bother to respond, it being like that no-win
question, "have you stopped beating your wife?" and always foments an
argument. I'm so tired of arguing I now mostly remain mute to most of
her instigations.
nb

NB,

On this newsgroup, when there were more people posting here, we used
to refer to the little white lies we sometimes had to tell our loved
ones as "loving deceptions". Not being a person who likes to lie
under any circumstances, I finally realized that they were right. What
was important was NOT my being satisfied with my answer, but how it
was perceived by her and if it satisfied her at the time.

I know it sounds crazy, but it helped.

Evelyn

[notbob]

Post by Evelyn
ones as "loving deceptions". Not being a person who likes to lie
under any circumstances, I finally realized that they were right. What
was important was NOT my being satisfied with my answer, but how it
was perceived by her and if it satisfied her at the time.

I can relate. My mom raised me to tell the truth at all times,
something I take as gospel. I still believe the truth will get you
out of more jams than a lie. Now I realize Mom will lie like a rug!
Day or night, wrong or right, big lie or little, makes no difference.
She's like the cat with feathers on its lips, saying, "I didn't eat
the bird." I still wince when having to lie to her, but now realize
it's often my only option.

nb

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob

Post by Evelyn
ones as "loving deceptions". Not being a person who likes to lie
under any circumstances, I finally realized that they were right. What
was important was NOT my being satisfied with my answer, but how it
was perceived by her and if it satisfied her at the time.

I can relate. My mom raised me to tell the truth at all times,
something I take as gospel. I still believe the truth will get you
out of more jams than a lie. Now I realize Mom will lie like a rug!
Day or night, wrong or right, big lie or little, makes no difference.
She's like the cat with feathers on its lips, saying, "I didn't eat
the bird." I still wince when having to lie to her, but now realize
it's often my only option.
nb

Dear NB,

People with Alz. often don't remember what they did or didn't do, so
they invent a story, which we take as a "lie". There is a name for
that. It is called "confabulate". My mother in law did that all
the time.

Evelyn

[A R Pickett]

notbob said in part - I still believe the truth will get you

Post by notbob
out of more jams than a lie. Now I realize Mom will lie like a rug!
Day or night, wrong or right, big lie or little, makes no difference.
She's like the cat with feathers on its lips, saying, "I didn't eat
the bird."

She's not lying. The concept of lying includes an ability to understand the
truth, to remember the facts being discussed, and the ability to choose to
say something that will avoid getting into trouble.

The abilities in her brain to accomplish this are broken. Medical science
at present has no way to repair them. She is saying what she perceives at
the moment to be accurate. She has no way of understanding that it is not
accurate.

My father had vascular dementia, not Alzheimers, but there are many
similarities. He had one of those debit cards and would often present it to
a cashier. My brother in law was usually accompanying him, and would hear
the clerk ask "debit or credit?" My father's response - "Whatever." In
the ensuing confusion conversation, my brother in law would need to get
involved, and my father would get increasingly irritated. My brother in law
would end up paying, my father would promise to reimburse him, and then
later claim that no, he had paid the bill, why was my brother in law trying
to take away all his money?

There still are a handful of us who check activity on this group from time
to time. You can always vent here, share your problems, and let off steam.
--
A R Pickett aka Woodstock

"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a
hole in Arizona."
George F. Will.

Now blogging!
http://www.journalscape.com/woodstock/

Remove lower case "e" to respond

[Evelyn]

On Mon, 26 Mar 2012 07:10:21 -0600, "A R Pickett"

Post by A R Pickett
notbob said in part - I still believe the truth will get you

Post by notbob
out of more jams than a lie. Now I realize Mom will lie like a rug!
Day or night, wrong or right, big lie or little, makes no difference.
She's like the cat with feathers on its lips, saying, "I didn't eat
the bird."

She's not lying. The concept of lying includes an ability to understand the
truth, to remember the facts being discussed, and the ability to choose to
say something that will avoid getting into trouble.
The abilities in her brain to accomplish this are broken. Medical science
at present has no way to repair them. She is saying what she perceives at
the moment to be accurate. She has no way of understanding that it is not
accurate.
My father had vascular dementia, not Alzheimers, but there are many
similarities. He had one of those debit cards and would often present it to
a cashier. My brother in law was usually accompanying him, and would hear
the clerk ask "debit or credit?" My father's response - "Whatever." In
the ensuing confusion conversation, my brother in law would need to get
involved, and my father would get increasingly irritated. My brother in law
would end up paying, my father would promise to reimburse him, and then
later claim that no, he had paid the bill, why was my brother in law trying
to take away all his money?
There still are a handful of us who check activity on this group from time
to time. You can always vent here, share your problems, and let off steam.

Woodstock it is good to see you posting here. How have you been? Any
good books to recommend lately? I love reading on my kindle, so I
usually order books that way.

Best,
Evelyn

[Lynn Lynn]

Just wanted to bring this up to the top. I doubt nb got to read it.
Hope everything is OK with his family. Haven't heard from him in
awhile.


Lynn

[Evelyn]

Post by Lynn Lynn
Just wanted to bring this up to the top. I doubt nb got to read it.
Hope everything is OK with his family. Haven't heard from him in
awhile.
Lynn

Yes. I was wondering about him too. I know how stressful it is,
and no doubt you do too. Sometimes it is too stressful even to
share.

Evelyn

[Lynn Lynn]

Type your message here.

[Lynn Lynn]

Let's hope he is just busy getting everything in order!


Can you believe it has been two years since Mom passed and I am still
stressed!! Doesn't seem that long ago that I was "unloading" in this
newsgroup and you were all so helpful.

Lynn

[Evelyn]

Post by Lynn Lynn
Let's hope he is just busy getting everything in order!
Can you believe it has been two years since Mom passed and I am still
stressed!! Doesn't seem that long ago that I was "unloading" in this
newsgroup and you were all so helpful.
Lynn

Lynn, it is something you NEVER truly get over. It is painful and
stressful and takes all you've got and then some. It is life
changing. My mother in law died in 2005 and I can recall every bit
of the whole caregiving experience, the good the bad and the ugly like
it was last week.

Evelyn

[Lynn Lynn]

So glad you gave us an update. We are like family and are concerned
when we do not hear from someone.


I concur with Evelyn....you are not a defeatist. You have made a very
smart decision and one that will benefit both you and your mother.

No one can imagine what care giving is like until they experience it. I
always had compassion for them but never in my wildest dreams knew how
difficult it was.

It can wear you down until there is nothing left.
As I mentioned to Evelyn - Mom has been gone two years and it seems like
yesterday. Everything Mom did and said is etched so deeply in my mind
and heart. I'm not the same person. Mom would not want me to feel this
way.

Keep the faith and strength that you need to make the right decisions
and please let us know how you are doing. Not many post here anymore
but I'm sure Evelyn will check in as I will too.

Lynn

PS If I can share one thought with you - try to erase any resentment
you have against your Mom. Get rid of it now while she is still around
Tell her you love her and give her a hug.

I'll send one to you and you can pass it on to her!!!

[notbob]

Post by Evelyn

Post by Lynn Lynn
Just wanted to bring this up to the top. I doubt nb got to read it.
Hope everything is OK with his family. Haven't heard from him in
awhile.
Lynn

Yes. I was wondering about him too. I know how stressful it is,
and no doubt you do too. Sometimes it is too stressful even to
share.

I'm still kicking. Went through a particularly trying episode. Still
trying to sort out my options.

At least I have finally decided on a course of action, which is to
take steps to put my mom in a home. If I can get full guardianship
and conservatorship, I may change my mind, but not necessarilly. I've
finally realized there comes a time when it's bigger than I can deal
with. Sounds defeatist, but it's more a case of my survival. This
situation cannot continue.

nb

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob

Post by Evelyn

Post by Lynn Lynn
Just wanted to bring this up to the top. I doubt nb got to read it.
Hope everything is OK with his family. Haven't heard from him in
awhile.
Lynn

Yes. I was wondering about him too. I know how stressful it is,
and no doubt you do too. Sometimes it is too stressful even to
share.

I'm still kicking. Went through a particularly trying episode. Still
trying to sort out my options.
At least I have finally decided on a course of action, which is to
take steps to put my mom in a home. If I can get full guardianship
and conservatorship, I may change my mind, but not necessarilly. I've
finally realized there comes a time when it's bigger than I can deal
with. Sounds defeatist, but it's more a case of my survival. This
situation cannot continue.
nb

NB, GOOD for you! It isn't defeatist at all. It is about self
preservation and survival. I applaud the fact you are solving your
dilemma and making a plan.

I send hugs and good wishes.

Evelyn

[Lynn Lynn]

Just try not to argue with your mother. She really doesn't realize what
she is saying most of the time.


Life will be so much easier for you if you just agree with her. It took
me too long to realize that. Mom said and did things she would have
been horrified to know she did. She accused "us" of stealing from her.
She would want her purse and take everything out and inspect it. She
hid tissues everywhere under cushions, in pockets, etc.

I have lived in the same place for 30 years and yet she did not
recognize it when she came here to live.

She asked why her Mom and Dad dropped her off and didn't come back for
her. They have been deceased for many years.

I told you about the little dog that "sat" on her bed. She would accuse
me of knocking him off when I tidied her bed. I just finally started
"picking him up" and petting him.

I'm just telling you these things to give you examples of what one goes
through with this terrible disease.

This newsgroup was always my "safe place" to hide thanks to Evelyn and
those who had experienced what I was going through.

I know you want to remain "mute" with your Mother but just agree with
her and both of you will probably be much better off.

Lynn

[Evelyn]

Post by Lynn Lynn
Evelyn posted -
"She did, however keep asking to go home. In fact the patients in the
nursing home all ask that all the time."
Mom constantly asked to go home when I moved her in with me. At first,
I would tell her my place was her new home. (We lived very close to
each other and could see her apartment building across the lake from my
townhome - yet - she didn't recognize the apartment building.) Finally,
I realized I just needed to tell her "maybe we will go home tomorrow".
That satisfied her because she soon forgot what she even asked.
The next day we started all over again. It was much easier to just say
"tomorrow" each and every day than try to explain why she was with me.
Lynn

Yes, that was what we told my mother in law. Tomorrow and tomorrow.
If it was Friday, she'd go home Monday. If it was Monday, we would
take her next weekend. The years went by like that. But she needed
care and could not care for herself alone at all. In fact we left her
on her own for far too long before we made a move.

Evelyn

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob
I also consulted an attorney several years ago and was put off track
by the some of the misleading advice I was given. If your dad has
assets, as my mom does, the attorney will bill his estate. Also, you
may be able to do a lot of this yourself. I only yesterday learned I
can petition the court for guardian/consvator-ship myself with no need
for an attorney!! Call your county COURT clerk for advice. Make sure
it's the COURT clerk and not just the county clerk, which is
different. I live in CO. Your state may be different.

I am going to look into this as soon as I can. I don't live in my
dad's state, but in a neighboring one. He is a hundred miles away,
but we speak on the phone every day and one or another of my siblings
check in on him often. We are also in touch with the lady who cares
for him.

Post by notbob
It's astonishing how much so many helpful people DO NOT know. I've
talked to at least 2 dozen people in the last 2 days and all but 3 of
them have been essentially useless. One, while helpful, sicced the
cops on me. No problem. They meant well and it turned out OK.

That's good. I think that for the most part, the police are there to
help us. (Unless you are a 17 yr old black kid with an ice tea and a
bag of skittles trying to walk home in a neighborhood in Florida with
an armed cop-wannabe block-watcher).

Post by notbob

Post by Evelyn
He says he is unable to walk without a walker, but that is not true,
as we all have seen him walk without it. He pretends to be more ill
than he is, but when he fell once, his caregiver called 911 only to
see him pull himself together, answer all questions rationally, and
refuse to go with the ambulance.

Typical, in my experience. My mom can play strangers like a fiddle,
they all thinking she the sweetest person on Earth. The reality is,
she can be a mean, viciously hurtful person to get her way. Not at
all the mother I've admired all my life. Quite a shock!

My dad is a very sly and paranoid person. He often pretends to be
asleep so he can spy on peoples conversation, and he lies shamelessly
to make himself look good. The degree of lying is so far out of the
park that we all find it scary. He does "confabulate" by making up
things his memory doesn't recall, but he's been lying about people for
all his life, even when he was in his right mind.

Post by notbob

Post by Evelyn
So we wait. Unfortunately it is all we can do.

Wrong. Don't wait. Start being proactive. Get the pertinent info to
get G-C of your dad. You may be able to DIY in your state. I'll give
you more info as I gain more. My plan of letting my mom "do her own
thing" till really necessary has returned to bite me in the ass. She
was OK two days ago, now "really necessary" has turned into almost too
late.

He absolutely refuses to sign a POA. He underestimates his own
abilities in reality of course, but he plays them up to get sympathy.

Post by notbob
I'm glad I opened up and finally posted, here. Here we are, you
consoling me and me advising you. Whodda thunk it. I'm glad we
hooked up and I hope I can help you as much as you've helped me. Just
having someone to talk to is a godsend. Thank you.
notbob

Yes, it certainly is.

We need to just hang in there!

Evelyn

[Lynn Lynn]

I'm glad you are finally getting some response for assistance.


I truly wish I would have asked for more help but I wanted to "do it
myself". Does your Mother imagine or see things that are not there?
For a long time, I would tell Mom I didn't see the men on the roof, the
dog on her bed, the man on the couch, the children around her bed, the
people who came in the kitchen at night. Then I finally realized it was
just easier to "see" the same things she did.

It did hurt that she did not trust me and thought I was someone else.

Please feel free to share your experiences. Sometimes we have
solutions...sometimes we don't!

Lynn

[notbob]

Post by Lynn Lynn
myself". Does your Mother imagine or see things that are not there?
For a long time, I would tell Mom I didn't see the men on the roof, the
dog on her bed, the man on the couch, the children around her bed, the
people who came in the kitchen at night.

Just the opposite. My mom often doesn't see things she's looking
right at. Other times, I've discovered, she's merely using the same
tactic to "game" me. She's a total control freak and will often do
things merely to see if she can manipulate the person/situation. It
was rather shocking to finally catch her smirking after one of her
small manipulative victories. Often, my only defense is to completely
ignore her.

Post by Lynn Lynn
Then I finally realized it was
just easier to "see" the same things she did.

See above.

The elderly are uncommonly wise. Lack of youth and mobility is
replaced by guile and subterfuge. It's my experience oldsters
suffering senility go in and out of it, sometimes being truly in need
of aid, other times sharp enough to expertly con those around them.
It's hard for a child to accept that a previously honorable, but now
impaired, parent will selfishly lie, cheat, steal, most anything to
get their way. Believe it. I realize this sounds harsh, but 4 yrs of
24/7/365 care has taught me a few shocking truths. Sad, but true.

nb

[Evelyn]

Post by notbob
The elderly are uncommonly wise. Lack of youth and mobility is
replaced by guile and subterfuge. It's my experience oldsters
suffering senility go in and out of it, sometimes being truly in need
of aid, other times sharp enough to expertly con those around them.
It's hard for a child to accept that a previously honorable, but now
impaired, parent will selfishly lie, cheat, steal, most anything to
get their way. Believe it. I realize this sounds harsh, but 4 yrs of
24/7/365 care has taught me a few shocking truths. Sad, but true.
nb

Exactly so, and very well put. You have described my father to a tee!

Evelyn